Olympic Uniforms: Hello World! We're Dry Clean Only!

The Vancouver Winter Olympics start tomorrow. 

As usual, Vancouver had to fight tooth and nail for its right to host the giant tour-de-frat known as The Olympics. Don't get me wrong, I get addicted to the winter games almost every cycle. Four-man bobsled, two-man luge, downhill slalom, I don't care. If it's fast and cold I want to watch it, and when it's all done I have to up my fan-dom of other sports just to fill the void. For the host nation, the Olympics are more than a sporting competition, more than a chance for Vancouver to flip off almost-host city Pyeongchang. They're a chance to present your country to the entire world while bringing in incalculable millions of tourism dollars in the present and future.

Olympic uniforms are a chance to showcase your country's forward thinking in the mediums of nylon, Gore-Tex, and wool. You want to echo tradition, but not get stuck in it. As this year's host, Canada has a unique opportunity to show the world it's more than mounties, hockey, pristine forests, and other clichés (eh?). It may be only one 10th as dense as America, but major cities like Vancouver are bustling with world-class activity. So, how does this confederacy of cutting-edge provinces choose to show off its persona to the world?

Behold! The recently unveiled Canadian medal-presenter uniforms and bouquets.

What!?! [see left]. It's Mounties! Mounties escorting cold-looking women and plants!!! The Miunties' designs, conceived by Aritzia of Vancouver, include a "heritage knit sweater" for indoor events and a "cocoon parka" for outdoors. Throw a Tim Horton's doughnut on top and you have a Canadian hat trick. I like them, in the same way that I like chopping my own firewood.

Now, compare those to American "uniforms" as photographed in this past Sunday's gravity-fucking New York Times Magazine shoot. (Sorry I can't post them here, stupid copyright.) Ok, those hole-y, appendage laden, anti-functional knits aren't actually what we're sending our athletes to compete in/get stuck in escalators. The Rodarte-designed outfits were just for the photo shoot and video. However, they do show off our creativity and resilience. Would a nation crippled by recession have the wherewithal to craft completely impractical one-off ski-uniforms? I don't think so.

Now, how about some clothes that offer a more fair comparison to the Canadian stuff. What will our country's strapping athletes wear to the opening and closing ceremonies? Something fun and reflective of our nation's hardiness, I assume, and the diversity of our athletes. Take it away, Ralph Lauren.

Snow pants that look like jeans? Of course they are. Thanks to Burton, our country's gnarliest competitors have an outfit they can just as easily ride in as wear to sit on a couch and watch classic winter films. These aren't as good as if all the American teams wore Canadian Royal Mounted Police uniforms, but I'll take them. And when I figure out what knickers and lambswool sweaters we're putting on our curling team, I'll be sure to keep you posted.